Growing Pains

Do you still have growing pains. You know, that feeling you have when you learn a difficult lesson? One that's a little too much to swallow?

I felt growing pains today during a phone conversation with a friend. I was trying to explain to him how chauvinistic a lot of his comments were. It was difficult for me because I never realized how much I was hurt by these comments until I was on the phone trying to explain how they made me feel. 

What am I talking about? For example, he'd say stuff like "A woman lying is worse than a man lying because men are expected to lie." Totally stupid right? Last time I checked a lie was a lie. But then I thought about relationships and how, many women will have compassion for a man who has lied to her or wronged her. She's almost expected to take him back. But let a woman lie to a man- he'd leave her so quick and never look back. When you take into consideration situations like this then you have to understand his argument.   

Why are women held to a higher moral authority? Why are we expected to do better, be better, and go the extra lengths and men aren't expected to give much in return? I understand that this is "how the world works." But that's just not the world that I live in. 

And that may be my problem. 

I started analyzing my relationships with dudes and recognized a trend. Reciprocity is a big thing for me. I can't be in a relationship without it. I realized that I'm expecting reciprocity from niggas that think giving me their 30% is enough because it's more than the 10% they give hoes or because it's just about what's expected of them. But then they expect me to give 110% because I'm a woman. Even a nigga that isn't fit to bring home would expect me to play wife. Crazy. 

I thought about what has worked and what didn't in my past relationships. Usually the problem was because I wasn't getting enough return on my investment. Men thought that I asked too much because I wanted them to either treat me just like I treated them (royally) or settle on being happy with me matching their minimal effort (which was always unacceptable). 

So what is a girl to do? Am I wrong for asking for a nigga to match my effort and look at me like an equal partner? Am I wrong for feeling like a man should give me the same respect he gives another man?

How can I get niggas to understand what I'm worth and recognize that that sorry ass 30% and bitch ass whining that they do when they don't get their way, isn't going to work?